Redefining my role

I have a restless soul.  I am rarely at peace with myself.  I would to like blame it on the monster but that would be a lie. It is simply who I am.  Having so much time alone in my head just heightens my awareness. I recently find myself circling.  Thinking a little too much.

Metaphorically, I have never been one to sit around and watch paint dry.  I'm always ready to start the next project.  I never sit back and admire my work. Relishing in success.  Patience has never been my strong suit as I always continue moving forward - dreaming, planning, creating, doing.

When my babies were small I didn't just babysit. I ran a home business and a very successful community playgroup.  Always needing to do a little bit more.  That role led me to a career working with families.

I have volunteered countless hours, sat on boards and worked for and with several non-profit agencies.  I was never just an employee though.  I had to know everything.  If I was going to attach my name to a position I was going to excel at it.  Be an expert.

I have always been a student.  In fact, this is the first time in my adult life that I have not been actively enrolled in school.  No papers to write, no assignments to complete and no exams to study for. No professor to sign off on the A+.

This is also the first time in many years I have not been an employee.  No time lines, deadlines or accountability. No performance appraisal to tell me I'm on the right track and doing a good job.  It is a odd feeling.

As I circle inside my head I wonder if my drive, determination, need to succeed has led me to this moment.  If all the hours I have invested into others in my community has taught me the skills I will need to be successful - in my recovery and here at home.  If this has been the bigger plan all along?

I need to to continue to heal.  My seizures are still active but strangely I am getting use to them.  I budget time for them and my recovery everyday.  My new normal forces me to stop - literally.  Patience is a must.  I can't rush recovery.  The monster has it's own agenda and I'm not privy to it.

We are building a homestead and creating a plan for sustainability. There is always much work to do. Research, planning, doing...

As I continue to circle I will redefine my role... figure out who I am.