I spoke with my friend Angie on the phone last night. I enjoy talking to her. She always makes me feel like my opinion and thoughts matter. That I am valued and important to her.
We chatted about family, her current work project (very exciting) and as always food, farming and sustainability. When our conversation rolled around to my current state of health she asked me an important question. "Are you angry?" Nobody ever asks me how I "feel" emotionally. Everyone wants information about my side effects. Like they have something to compare them too??
I am sure most people are familiar with the stages of grief. I think that is how I can best explain what I feel. Keep in mind that its not a brief visit to each step. I am constantly climbing up and down through the stages because that's my life.
Denial - What AVM? What brain surgery?
Denial is a useful coping technique especially in public but it is not terribly sustainable. I am a terrific actress. I can pretend all is well when I need to. Most of the time my body and brain won't betray me. I'm well medicated when the event calls for it. Denial is usually very short lived because I can't ignore reality more than an evening.
Anger - Why me? Why now? What if?
Am I angry? Yes. All the time? No. It ebbs and flows. It is often hormone driven. I will always wonder what if I never knew? What if I had never had surgery? How life would be different if ....
I get angry with the medical community for playing down the severity and risks associated with my AVM and treatment. I get angry at myself for acting in fear. I get angry at friends and family who either pretend nothing has changed or offer false hope.
Bargaining - Dear God...
My relationship with God is private but I will say I speak to him much more often these days.
Depression - Why bother? I give up!
It would be very easy for me to slip into a very dark place. I stand on the edge of it often. My family has a long history of poor mental health. It would be a very short step to disconnect from the world. I am already isolated and have lost my freedom and independence.
I am fortunate that I am very self aware. I am able to pull myself back because I understand that it's completely normal to be sad, regretful and fear of the unknown. Experiencing and really feeling these emotions are how you get to the final stage of grief.
Acceptance - It's going to be okay. I will make the most of each day.
I can confidently say I am getting use to my new normal. Do I wish it was different? Absolutely, but there is more peace now. I really do enjoy having a farm. If I hadn't been diagnosed we wouldn't be here - yet. I do not miss my previous job, but I do miss the people. I have a deeper appreciation for my community and my role in it than I did before. I value my relationships with friends and family more.
Acceptance doesn't mean I have to love it. It just means that I can accept the reality of the situation and have the courage to move forward.
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