one of 52

Inspired by my lovely friend Erin of Feather + Anchor Photography I have decided to photo document the goodness and simplicity in our lives.  The moments that keep us full of awesome and sane.  It's challenging being a Monster fighter(s) but our lives are pretty wonderful just the same.

Of course I am not so disciplined that I could commit to blogging daily, so weekly it shall be.

Here is a glimpse of week one of 52...

We made a family/farm plan for the year and beyond on a giant vision board. 

Thinking and dreaming big. Sustainable.  Forever.

 

 

We started up a small aquaponics system in the kitchen to experiment before we try anything on a larger scale in the green house.  A vermicomposter has also taken up residence.  Hello red wigglers.

 

 

We juiced daily, cooked real food, baked bread, cookies and muffins.

 We drank lots of tea and hot cocoa out of carefully crafted mugs.

 

 

We played silly games.  Repeatedly.

 

I finally finished The Hunger Games series.  I had to read the third book twice.

 

 

We snuggled on the couch. Frequently. All of us.

 

 

 

Sending love from the hill.

 

Steph

 

 

Farewell 2012 /Welcome 2013

It only seems appropriate that I end the year with a blog entry. 

I open by thanking my family and friends for their on going, unwavering love and support. 
Without my John and our children I would be hopeless.
Without my Mom I would be lost. 
Without my fellow monster fighter Holly I would be insane. 
Without my regular check-ins from a number of incredible women I would be lonely.  I would start listing them but then I would forget someone and feel dreadful.  You know who you are.
Without my Wednesday "meeting of the minds" I would forget how to laugh.  I already miss Nutcracker rehearsals for that extra time we get to spend together and the women I don't see on Wednesdays.  Maybe you should all just show up at the studio anyways ;)
Without my Facebook friends and community(s) I would be bored, uneducated and dull.
Thank you.

2012 has been an incredible year. 

Our children have grown, matured and are becoming some of the most amazing people I know.
Amy is fabulous.  I was so proud of her during the Nutcracker and the kindness she showed towards the little dancers. While some of the older girls largely ignored the littles, Amy was always present and willing to help and encourage.  To have other parents comment on how wonderful she is makes this Momma very proud. Shine on smart girl.
B has made a complete transformation since his heart surgery in March.  Most notably he is growing.  He has grew 1 1/4" in the past two months.  He continues to try hard at school even though its challenging.  He has formed some amazing friendships and is truly one of the most caring boys I know.  This just proves once again that gender, labels and diagnoses do not define a persons character.
Dana is our brave song bird.  Never silent and extremely resilient, Dana is turning into a very strong and confident young lady.  She has an amazing memory which comes in handy for me.  She is always available for a hug and is very intuitive about what each member of our five needs.  I have to work extra hard to make sure she gets what she needs in return.
John has proven to me over and over again that I chose well so many, many years ago. Almost twenty three years if you are counting.

2013 will bring more obstacles and difficulties. 
We can already see them and around them.
With each challenge there will be further growth, rewards and fresh outlooks.

We are looking forward to continuing expansion on our farm. 
I'm starting the vision board today...  I NEED a plan that I can see!
I am looking forward to learning more and spending time with more like minded families.

We are taking more control of our health individually and as a family.  I am the expert on me and mine.  Our expanding team is going to have to check their egos.  I'm sure I will share much about that as January rolls on.

Farewell 2012.

Welcome 2013.

Happy 18 months to me and holiday wrap up.

Yesterday I received a message from a friend of a friend.
It was completely unexpected that he even remembered but totally awesome that someone gets it.
It read, "Happy surviving 18 months of shit getting real."

December 22nd was not only my totally fantastic husbands John's 40th Birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!) but also the monster and my 18 month post Gamma anniversary.

John and I  finished our Christmas shopping in the morning. The kids made cupcakes for their Dad while we were out. The monster and I celebrated during the afternoon with ear plugs, ice, Tylenol and a nap (read small coma).  John made his own Birthday dinner because I'm a lousy wife, mother and human when the monster is winning.  Johns Dad visited for celebratory cupcakes and coffee in the evening.  Coffee finally killed the headache and silenced the monster before bed so life is good again this morning.

So whats the big deal with 18 months you ask?
When I signed up for this adventure I was told 100 different things but two are highlighted:

• At 18 months radiation becomes the most active and is working the hardest. I'm assuming that also means that side effects will be working just as hard.  So far that assumption is accurate.
• I have an 80% chance the AVM will occlude by three years therefore18 months also marks the half way mark to goal of being AVM free.

Happy 18 months of shit getting real to me!!

Our entire family is officially on Holidays until January 7th.  A well deserved break for John who has not stopped moving in months (maybe years).  Though there is no such thing as a real vacation when you live on a farm, we will definitely be moving in a much slower pace.

Our family has many goals for 2013 and I am hoping to get some of the vision on paper very soon.
Everything seems more real when it's on paper.
A working work plan, a dream board, a wish list, a Pinterest Board ...
It may read a little like this;

• Design and build a green house - the trusses are already here. Fishy, fishy, fishy to be incorporated.
• Design and build a big barn - the trusses are already here.  Moo, baa, lalala
• Re-fence and electrify the pasture - the fence and wire are already here. 
• Decide where the new chicken coop is going to be - permanently.  And really decide what type of hens I want to live there.  I change my mind on both daily. cluck, cluck, cluck and cock-a-doodle-doo
• Turkeys.... gobble, gobble. gobble.
• Secure some more weaners for early spring. oink, oink, oink.
• Design an orchard that includes more bee hives. buzzzzzzzz 

Dream big, dream bold...

In closing I wish each of you a Merry Christmas and happy holidays.

xo

The house on the hill

Recently a good friend asked me if we ever thought about moving.  It's a good question.

We live rather rural.  We have neighbours but most of them are seasonal.  The closest, some what adequate, grocery store is at least 15 minutes away.  The kids go to school and participate in dance and karate 30 minutes away.  Shopping and a wider variety of recreational opportunities are an hours drive.  My team of doctors just a three hour road trip.

Still, the answer was pretty simple. No.

Later on, as always, I reflected. 

Why not move? 

Would our life not be so much simpler if we lived closer to the village? a city?
I would no longer be so isolated.
I would regain some independence.
I could walk everywhere and not depend on others to drive me. 
I would be closer to my family and have more access to my friends.
I could take a taxi to the grocery store and local medical appointments.
John would have far less responsibility and burden.

Same question. Same answer - no. 
We would be miserable!

When John and I moved in together, 17 years ago, we began designing floor plans for the house we would someday build.  A lot of thought, time, energy and dreams went into those tentative plans.
Nine years later the foundation was poured.  Today its our reality, our home.

The land we built on is a mix of pasture and forest.  It borders on a a quiet road, more pasture and a large beaver pond.  Today we are still designing floor plans.  This time for green houses, bunkies and barns.  We dream about gardens, aquaponics and turkeys. We talk endlessly about sustainability and homesteading.  Of leaving something behind for future generations.  BLACKberry Fields.

Pretty picture isn't it? 

Even prior to getting sick I claimed to be born in the wrong century.  I love nothing more than hanging laundry on the clothes line, reading a great book, finding a great new recipe and digging in the garden.  I lose time daily watching the chickens and talking to the pigs.  The place is slower but there is still plenty to do.  Lots to keep my brain active and body alive.

I don't deny that moving would make life more convenient sometimes.
However, I don't think we could ever trade quality of life for convenience. 
I have probably said it here before but for the first time  I feel like we are living very authentically. 

I am only as isolated as I want or need to be.
I am still very independent but I have to be more creative in order to achieve it.
Even if I lived in town I wouldn't be able to walk everywhere unless I had a shadow.  It's not safe for me to travel solo in the event I lose the use of my leg or my sight.
I have close friends that live near by. We also have a steady stream of people who visit our little farm to purchase eggs and visit the animals.
Family can find me.
John willingly gets us everywhere we need to go.
We have learned to ask for help when we need to.

This is what real looks like.

Balance - Stephanie VS The Monster

There is so much I want to do.  There is so much I need to do.
We are building our farm, BLACKberry Fields much quicker than I ever imagined. 
The timing was right and we have to go with it.
I am organizing and reorganizing a household with three very busy children.
The month of June has been absolutely insane.  Maybe thats why I feel like I am struggling so much.
I am trying to help John with his ever growing business, John Black Carpentry
I try but sometimes I'm not very successful or helpful.
When I work hard and complete tasks it gives me a great sense of accomplishment.
My soul and spirit needs that.  My sanity needs that.
After several days of success I can be guaranteed several days of forced rest.
Balance

My monster has its own, very different agenda.

It likes to keep me awake with a constant woosh in my head.
If it doesn't get my attention right away it only gets louder.
It limits the use of my right arm and sometime leg so even small tasks take so much longer.
At times it makes it difficult to read, focus or string a sentence together.
Sometimes I can hear a person talking but I don't comprehend the words or their meaning; as if they are speaking in a different language.
It is a constant dull ache on the left side and sharp stabbing pains the right side of my brain.
Just when I think the monster is at rest is rattles my body with a seizure or quite literally knocks me out for a few hours.
Balance

This week is my one year anniversary of Gamma Knife Surgery.  Yesterday I had another MRI to get some good images of the AVM/Monster.  We are looking to see if the edema has dissipated and at the integrity of the vessels running to and from the AVM.  Regardless of what the images show and the prognosis, I know how I feel.  I'm just looking for the balance.

Living history

In 1993 I was a first year college student in Peterborough.  John and I had been dating for almost four years.  Most weeks we would return to the Highlands driving on a less traveled route through a small village, Mount Pleasant.  On the very first trip through this wee town I instantly fell in love with the breath taking view, the fields, the trees and the rolling hills.  I wanted to live there.
Over the next couple of years I had become friends with a young woman who lived with her parents on a small hobby farm on the out skirts of the same city.  Though I had never spent a day on a farm before I really enjoyed this little piece of heaven.
Ducks and chickens chased bugs.  Sheep chewed lazily on grass.  Goats climbed and chewed just about everything.  This family grew and ate their own fruit and vegetables.  They pasture raised their own meat.  At the time I remember feeling envy and awe.  It became a dream - something to aspire too - someday.

 Fast forward to 2003...

John and I had been married for six years.  We had two children and one on the way.  We had sold our tiny house and needed a place to live - immediately.  John built me my house on the hill. Not the same hill but this one was way better.  Now, everyday I am surrounded with a similar beauty I had loved and longed for 10 years prior.

Summer 2005

When we chose to build here we talked farming. In the future. We had the land but with both of us working and three children under five we severely lacked time, energy and resources.
We lived vicariously through John's parents who were returning to their roots and building a small farm.  Every time we visited we enjoyed a trip to the barn to see the sheep, goats and chickens.   In the summer their cattle would graze in our pasture.
As our children grew we decided it would be manageable to have a few chickens.  And so our farm began.


BLACKberry Fields - Present day...

Tamworth weaner

As I have mentioned before I knew the day the tractor rolled into the yard there was know turning back.  Our dreams were becoming a reality and much quicker than we ever believed. 
Today we have 20 laying hens and a rooster who wander the yard and 30 more on the way.  Thirty other chickens will be raised for meat. Four piglets arrived last week.  They are being pasture raised for their meat.  A trio of lambs will arrive next week to help with the grass cutting and be sold in the fall.  Two bee hives are being relocated here to expand their pollen source and provide us with honey.  We are in the process of securing a cow or two.

Amy and John
 installing fence posts

The vegetable garden just keeps getting bigger and bigger. John will till it again tonight so I can begin to plant it this weekend.  I will care for the plants through out the summer. Together we will harvest and preserve our crops.

Over the past three months John has rarely stopped moving.  He works full time as a carpenter then comes home and continues to work at any number of tasks here on our farm.  With the help of our oldest daughter, Amy,  they have placed countless fence posts and strung hundreds of feet of fencing.  As I am limited in my ability, the task of building our family farm has fallen largely on him.  So with this post I want to thank him for making my, our, dreams a reality.  I am grateful everyday to be sharing this amazing experience with you, our children and the friends who join us along the way. xo

Sending much love and gratitude from my piece of heaven here on the hill.
Steph  xo

Building BLACKberry Fields

John, our three children and I have lived in the house we built on the hill for just over 8 years.  For over 10 years we have dreamed of a farm.  To build something sustainable that can be passed down through out generations to come.  We often tell people we were born in the wrong century.

We named the land BLACKberry Fields because it's a spin on our family name and the blackberries that grow wild throughout the field and along the tree line.

This spring is the start of something big.  We are turning dreams into goals and working towards achieving them. 

Last fall we hired a local contractor to expand our vegetable garden.  It is roughly 10 times larger than previous years.  We will grow enough for us, our neighbours and to participate in our local farmers market.

A lot of fresh fertilizer was spread. 

We inherited Grandpa McKelvey's tractor and started drilling holes for fence posts. 

We have purchased lots of fence and we still need more. 
Might as well do it right the first time and save headaches later.

Seeds were carefully selected, ordered, planted and are beginning to grow.

I have spent countless hours researching what animals are the best fit for our land.  By the end of April four Tamworth weaners, only six weeks old, will move to the hill.  Their job will be to help root up more land for next years crops.  No need to hire someone this year.

courtesy of google images

We are expanding our egg layers. They will have their new home moved here at the end of May.  The area will give them plenty of space to hunt for bugs but will also be fenced to better protect them from the sneaky fox. Mr. Roo and "his girls" will have a new home for their chicks.  We will also be raising our own fryers (meat birds) this year. 

The pasture still needs to be prepared for cattle to graze. In past years other farmers have used our land.  This year a couple of the cattle will be our own.

And if all goes according to plan we may even see a goat or two ;)

Waiting for Spring

I like winter.  I love the crisp air and trees heavy with snow.  I enjoy activities like snow shoeing, skiing, tobogganing and even ice fishing.  I am especially fond of "snow days" when the school buses are cancelled and the kids are home.  This year I am done with winter. Enough already!  I am tired of being trapped indoors.  My yard is too icy and I am alone far too often to enjoy anything outside.

The beginning of Spring is my mental marker of time.   Come Spring I will be three seasons post Gamma and approaching my one year anniversary.  Spring is the time for new beginnings, big plans and moving forward.

B will be just past his heart ablation surgery and in recovery mode. A will be anticipating TLAC (art camp) and preparing for grade eight graduation (Oh my goodness!) D will also be graduating and moving on to the middle school.  John, who is always super busy, will become even busier with his carpentry business and here on the farm.  I will officially become a farmer.

Spring means fencing, fencing and a little more fencing - for security, privacy, gardens, chickens, cows and pigs. I have already enlisted the help of my father and brother in law as soon as the frost leaves the ground.  I will reward them with good food and endless gratitude.

This Spring I have insisted on learning how to use the variety of  time saving tools we have collected over the years. I just happen to have a wonderful teacher in house.   I am going to learn to do for myself a little more on the quest for self sufficiency.  I am differently abled but capable.

The chicken coops need to be cleaned and remodeled to accommodate our changing needs.We will have three houses this year. McKelvey House for our free range egg layers.  Mills House for the hens, roos and chicks. We are eagerly anticipating the first bunch of chicks to hatch. Hosaki House for our meat birds. Until we have a giant barn in the meadow this is how it will be.

I have been talking weaners (piglets) with anyone who will listen. Trying to find our small farm the perfect breed. I believe I have secured four Tamworths when the snow is gone.  They will forge, root and live outdoors.  I am leaving the cattle to John.

Spring means tilling, digging and planting.  Annuals, perennials, vegetables and herbs.  I can't wait to get my hands dirty. I need something to keep my mind and body active.  Friends who weed are always welcome.

Goodbye Winter.  Welcome Spring! 

Resolutions for 2012; the short list...

It is customary to start each new year with a resolution to make life even better than the year before.  I have several ...

• To breathe deeper and more often.  Practice yoga and meditation daily.  I often catch myself holding my breath.  The more oxygen in my blood the quicker I will heal.
• To take time to appreciate where I am at and not worry so much about where I am going and how I'm going to get there.
• To move more with purpose.  I will not let fear (of dying, having a stroke or injuring myself) stand in the way. Snowshoes are going on today for the first time this season.
• To continue eating for my blood type and cook more for me.  Wheat and dairy are not a part of my diet. Gluten Free cake anyone?? Maybe I will try a new recipe each week.  
• On the same note I should really try and remember to eat.  Sounds ridiculous but I forget - often.
• To use my giant dosset box to help me to remember to take my pills and vitamins.  Even though I feel like a 90 year old woman when I fill it, I will not let my pride get in the way.  
• To regularly learn something new.  I am a constant student and love taking courses. I have come to realize that I am just as satisfied learning a new skill as taking a course. (Huge eye opener and it costs much less)  My first project of the year will be to make soap.
• To read for pleasure again.  Even though it is extremely hard.
• To continue to expand our small farm, BLACKberry Fields.  I have a FB fan page; you should like it :)
• To be more forgiving of myself and others.  I have high standards for myself and sometimes that carries unnecessarily to others in my life.
• To continue to advocate for myself and what is right for me and mine.  I have read the studies and statistics and they do not apply. I am the expert on me.

Crafty me

I have been hanging out in the right side of my brain more and more lately; exploring my creative side. My left, logical side, is on strike.  I have always enjoyed crafting but never really set aside much time for it. When I am making something I don't have to think beyond what's in my hand and the next step. There are not going to be any repercussions or consequences of my actions. If I make a mistake or get frustrated, I can stop and try again later.  It took four attempts to crochet my first hat.

Last Saturday I participated in a local Christmas Bazaar - as a vendor. 

 BLACKberry Fields display
West Guilford Community Centre, Christmas Bazaar

.
Talk about stepping out of my comfort zone.  Though I have received positive feedback, from my friends and family about our preserves and my "Tied by Me" fleece blankets, it's completely different to put myself out there for the public to see and critique.  Add the fact that I have regular seizures, that are  induced by sensory stimulation.  Seizures that literally leave me speachless.  Thankfully my Grandma was willing and able to come sit by me through out the day, just in case.  (She also taught me a new crochet stitch :)

The bazaar was a success.  I sold many preserves and blankets.  Took orders for Christmas gifts.  Got ideas for new projects. Talked to many people without stumbling with my words. Most important, I gained the confidence to do it again in a couple of weeks.

Oh where, oh where, oh where is Stephanie???

I have a small confession.  I forgot my blogger account sign in name and password. I forgot where I wrote it down. I forgot how to retrieve it.  I was angry, frustrated and embarrassed so I didn't tell anyone or ask for help. But look... here I am.  In a moment of clarity I remembered what to do and here I am!

It's been an eventful few months so I will give you the brief synapses of what's been going on with me and mine.

I continue to have regular seizures.  An MRI of my brain on October 5th showed significant swelling,  So much swelling that they could not see my AVM.   I can't handle most sensory things like smell, loud noise/talking and bright lights. I struggle with counting, reading, comprehension and spelling every day.  It is difficult for me to talk to people I don't talk to often because I can't read people like I use to.  I can no longer tolerate (I hate that word), accept people who are angry, rude or ignorant.  I'm not trying to be nasty but I just don't have time for those people in my circle anymore. (If you are here reading this I can personally guarantee it's not you :) I choose to surround myself with positive people who make me happy and have similar values as me.  The plan for now is to continue to monitor my seizures, increase my meds as needed and follow up in December with my Neurology team at TWH and my cardiologist at St. Michael's Hospital. 

Skip ahead if I have already told you this; I tend to repeat myself...

When John and I built our house on the hill we knew that one day we would farm.  By "we", I thought HE. Turns out it's me/us.  A small hobby farm.  We would have a few chickens, a cow and a little garden.  As my health and employment status changed so did our time table and the size of our plot.  BLACKberry Fields will become a productive farm in 2012.  Once the tractor rolled its way onto the property I knew it was a done deal. 

Daily conversations about chicken, eggs and the coup expansion rule.  Closely followed by garden expansion, fencing and a new barn.  All Amy can talk about is her billy goat that currently lives at Poppa Black's farm.  Brenden wants to know how much money he is making every time he helps with anything and Dana is still cat (3) crazy!!

In a short 10 months my world has shifted.  I thought I would continue through school and have multiple diplomas giving me the knowledge required to help others.  Turns out others are now helping me.  Everyday I am grateful for the emails, telephone calls, the visits, the offers to pick me up anything and everything I may need.  I am grateful for my family who can still laugh with me through the craziness and hug me through the tears. 

My world has shifted but it's not all bad.  I like how we are living our life.  I enjoy being home.  I like experimenting with preserves, talking to the hens, planning my garden for next year.

Just so you know; I wrote down my password and showed John where it is. :)