June Highlights

So it isn't a secret to most that I was not looking forward to the month of June.

June tends to be rather busy here and every other household who has school age children.
I have personally been dreading it since about April.
Why schools pack in every possible opportunity into the last four weeks baffles me. 
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad our children have gotten to experience so many wonderful class trips and extra special days but why not try spreading them out through the year. 
We can fly kites in October.  Visit Ottawa in May.  Make scrapbooks all year long.

But look here it is the end of the month and we all survived.
John knew it was possible and I need to learn to never doubt him.
I will be starting July in spoon deprivation but I am optimistic.
I can now release the breath I have been holding.

Here are our highlights...

  

Building BLACKberry Fields and John Black Carpentry

Amy preforms in the Heritage Ballet Spring Recital

Dana at her first Track and Field Meet in Haliburton

Amy and Brenden receive their brown belts in Karate 

Amy on the low ropes at Pinecrest YMCA camp

Brenden visits our nations capital

Dana visits Settlers Village

Brenden Graduates the DARE program at JDHES

Amy Graduates grade 8 from JDHES

Dana's last day ever at SBES

This family welcomes the summer holidays...

PS if you are not familar with The Spoon Theory click the link above.  It will help you understand what it really feels like to live with an invisible illness.

The story we tell ourselves...

"We are each the story we tell ourselves."
I'm not sure when I first heard that sentence but it rings true to me in so many ways.
If a person tells them self the same mantra over and over again,
it becomes their truth and the story they tell others.
If I tell myself I am ill then I live like I am ill.
If I tell myself to live to the best of my ability,
I have a much more positive outlook each day.

I remember much of my past and I am living my present.
Sometimes I am told stories of my youth by others.
I always find it interesting to listen to their recollection of shared experiences.
Our different perceptions of childhood and high school.
I am lucky because John shares many of my memories.
If someone makes a statement that doesn't mesh with my memory,
John can often fill in the holes or help clarify their personal spin.

As our daughter leaves behind elementary school and enters high school,
I am reminded of my own personal history and the transition from little to big.
Some friendships, that were important in public school, solidified in high school.
While others were left behind.  Some with regret and others with a sigh of relief.
Boys who once were coveted and fought over were forgotten.
Others boys, who were largely unnoticed or unknown, became exciting and intriguing. 
New friendships were forged based on common interests and beliefs.
Past problems and disagreements were largely forgotten for they no longer held relevance.

As I grew older and presumably wiser I began to treasure the people who were important to me.
People who treated me like my goals, dreams and beliefs were important to them.
I let go of the people who no longer felt connected to. Not with malice just a farewell.
I have been very blessed with so many wonderful friendships over my lifetime.
Some brief, some permanent but all important for the lessons they taught me.

I recently had dinner with some of my favourite families.
We each come from completely different places but connect perfectly.
Together we can laugh, talk, debate and genuinely enjoy each other.
Children, health, food, community and friendship bring and keep us together.
Each of us telling a similar story.

Balance - Stephanie VS The Monster

There is so much I want to do.  There is so much I need to do.
We are building our farm, BLACKberry Fields much quicker than I ever imagined. 
The timing was right and we have to go with it.
I am organizing and reorganizing a household with three very busy children.
The month of June has been absolutely insane.  Maybe thats why I feel like I am struggling so much.
I am trying to help John with his ever growing business, John Black Carpentry
I try but sometimes I'm not very successful or helpful.
When I work hard and complete tasks it gives me a great sense of accomplishment.
My soul and spirit needs that.  My sanity needs that.
After several days of success I can be guaranteed several days of forced rest.
Balance

My monster has its own, very different agenda.

It likes to keep me awake with a constant woosh in my head.
If it doesn't get my attention right away it only gets louder.
It limits the use of my right arm and sometime leg so even small tasks take so much longer.
At times it makes it difficult to read, focus or string a sentence together.
Sometimes I can hear a person talking but I don't comprehend the words or their meaning; as if they are speaking in a different language.
It is a constant dull ache on the left side and sharp stabbing pains the right side of my brain.
Just when I think the monster is at rest is rattles my body with a seizure or quite literally knocks me out for a few hours.
Balance

This week is my one year anniversary of Gamma Knife Surgery.  Yesterday I had another MRI to get some good images of the AVM/Monster.  We are looking to see if the edema has dissipated and at the integrity of the vessels running to and from the AVM.  Regardless of what the images show and the prognosis, I know how I feel.  I'm just looking for the balance.

Living history

In 1993 I was a first year college student in Peterborough.  John and I had been dating for almost four years.  Most weeks we would return to the Highlands driving on a less traveled route through a small village, Mount Pleasant.  On the very first trip through this wee town I instantly fell in love with the breath taking view, the fields, the trees and the rolling hills.  I wanted to live there.
Over the next couple of years I had become friends with a young woman who lived with her parents on a small hobby farm on the out skirts of the same city.  Though I had never spent a day on a farm before I really enjoyed this little piece of heaven.
Ducks and chickens chased bugs.  Sheep chewed lazily on grass.  Goats climbed and chewed just about everything.  This family grew and ate their own fruit and vegetables.  They pasture raised their own meat.  At the time I remember feeling envy and awe.  It became a dream - something to aspire too - someday.

 Fast forward to 2003...

John and I had been married for six years.  We had two children and one on the way.  We had sold our tiny house and needed a place to live - immediately.  John built me my house on the hill. Not the same hill but this one was way better.  Now, everyday I am surrounded with a similar beauty I had loved and longed for 10 years prior.

Summer 2005

When we chose to build here we talked farming. In the future. We had the land but with both of us working and three children under five we severely lacked time, energy and resources.
We lived vicariously through John's parents who were returning to their roots and building a small farm.  Every time we visited we enjoyed a trip to the barn to see the sheep, goats and chickens.   In the summer their cattle would graze in our pasture.
As our children grew we decided it would be manageable to have a few chickens.  And so our farm began.


BLACKberry Fields - Present day...

Tamworth weaner

As I have mentioned before I knew the day the tractor rolled into the yard there was know turning back.  Our dreams were becoming a reality and much quicker than we ever believed. 
Today we have 20 laying hens and a rooster who wander the yard and 30 more on the way.  Thirty other chickens will be raised for meat. Four piglets arrived last week.  They are being pasture raised for their meat.  A trio of lambs will arrive next week to help with the grass cutting and be sold in the fall.  Two bee hives are being relocated here to expand their pollen source and provide us with honey.  We are in the process of securing a cow or two.

Amy and John
 installing fence posts

The vegetable garden just keeps getting bigger and bigger. John will till it again tonight so I can begin to plant it this weekend.  I will care for the plants through out the summer. Together we will harvest and preserve our crops.

Over the past three months John has rarely stopped moving.  He works full time as a carpenter then comes home and continues to work at any number of tasks here on our farm.  With the help of our oldest daughter, Amy,  they have placed countless fence posts and strung hundreds of feet of fencing.  As I am limited in my ability, the task of building our family farm has fallen largely on him.  So with this post I want to thank him for making my, our, dreams a reality.  I am grateful everyday to be sharing this amazing experience with you, our children and the friends who join us along the way. xo

Sending much love and gratitude from my piece of heaven here on the hill.
Steph  xo

State of Happiness

There is one thing I know to be true.

I am responsible for my own happiness.

When I look externally I will be disappointed.

The decisions I make will determine my state of mind.

My happiness is internal.

I really don't have to look very deep to find it.

I just have to surrender to it.

Let go of the past.

Make peace with the present.

My happiness begins with John.

It always has and always will.

The home we have created together.

The hard choices we have made.

The amazing children we share.

My happiness lies in the garden, deep in the soil, amongst the flowers.

It is inside our home, in the kitchen mixed with the ingredients of a new recipe.

It's lost in the pages of a good book. Inside my imagination.

It is at my fingertips when I dream, create and make.

It is with my friends who help me remain authentic and sane.

Happiness is here, under the surface.

Somedays it's just harder to find it.

Redefining my role

I have a restless soul.  I am rarely at peace with myself.  I would to like blame it on the monster but that would be a lie. It is simply who I am.  Having so much time alone in my head just heightens my awareness. I recently find myself circling.  Thinking a little too much.

Metaphorically, I have never been one to sit around and watch paint dry.  I'm always ready to start the next project.  I never sit back and admire my work. Relishing in success.  Patience has never been my strong suit as I always continue moving forward - dreaming, planning, creating, doing.

When my babies were small I didn't just babysit. I ran a home business and a very successful community playgroup.  Always needing to do a little bit more.  That role led me to a career working with families.

I have volunteered countless hours, sat on boards and worked for and with several non-profit agencies.  I was never just an employee though.  I had to know everything.  If I was going to attach my name to a position I was going to excel at it.  Be an expert.

I have always been a student.  In fact, this is the first time in my adult life that I have not been actively enrolled in school.  No papers to write, no assignments to complete and no exams to study for. No professor to sign off on the A+.

This is also the first time in many years I have not been an employee.  No time lines, deadlines or accountability. No performance appraisal to tell me I'm on the right track and doing a good job.  It is a odd feeling.

As I circle inside my head I wonder if my drive, determination, need to succeed has led me to this moment.  If all the hours I have invested into others in my community has taught me the skills I will need to be successful - in my recovery and here at home.  If this has been the bigger plan all along?

I need to to continue to heal.  My seizures are still active but strangely I am getting use to them.  I budget time for them and my recovery everyday.  My new normal forces me to stop - literally.  Patience is a must.  I can't rush recovery.  The monster has it's own agenda and I'm not privy to it.

We are building a homestead and creating a plan for sustainability. There is always much work to do. Research, planning, doing...

As I continue to circle I will redefine my role... figure out who I am.

Letting go...work

In an attempt to gain some control in my life I need to make some changes.  

I handed in my resignation at work.  I didn't have to.  I chose to.

I have been on a leave of absence since the monster in my brain took hold, rattling it regularly with seizures.  I had planned to go back once things settled down medically but I had a moment of true clarity.  I realized that as long as I had a timeline of when I was to return I was going to remain unwell.

As a Social Worker I have never left work and simply flipped the switch and forgot about every  interaction I had through out the day.  Maybe some do - I do not.  Every person I have ever worked with has had an impact on me.  I think about them, their needs, their dreams, how I and we as a community could do more.   Core competencies, best practice and developmentally appropriate are a part of my regular vernacular. Talk to me sometime and you will know this to be true.

It is ridiculous to believe that while I was on a leave of absence that I stopped caring about the people I have supported.  That I was unaware of what was happening in my own community.  When you live and work in a small town everything is under a microscope.  I didn't seek out information; it was either completely visible or brought to my attention by a concerned community member.  So though I was away I continued to care, have opinions and advocate.

Now I choose to hand back that responsibility and privilege.


 
A reminder from my Inner Pirate...

The swelling in my brain has left me with temporary aphasia, a communication disorder.  
It does not effect my intelligence.
Don't talk to me, at  me or about me like I am stupid.
Furthermore, I remember what confidentiality and in confidence means and I still practice it.
I wish the same respect be extended to me.